I’ll just start with what vulnerability is NOT. Vulnerability is NOT sharing styled and posed images exposing your body. Really, these images aren’t that hard for me to share. Being a business owner and sharing images like this makes me feel pretty nervous though. Even though I don’t think I’ve ever been up close and personal with someone slut-shaming me, the idea of it doesn’t bother me on a personal level anymore. I do, however, feel protective of every woman who relates to me who also feels slut-shamed.
So even though I believe sharing a sensual image of yourself can be vulnerable, it can also be a mask of vulnerability. I’ve thought about several different ways to talk about vulnerability because I haven’t understood what I need to say. I think it's different for everyone. One thing I did know was that I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it because I think it’s one of the biggest struggles in my business. I’m a fairly private person. I’m an open book, but I don’t make myself available to open up very often. This struggle has shown itself in times of oversharing too, I just don’t know what the balance is. I’m trying to connect to people more online and in person, but it feels silly because I don’t think I’m entertaining. Don’t get me wrong, I can belt out and jiggle to some Lizzo when cleaning the house, but I don’t think anyone wants to see that. I don’t mind tormenting my child in that way though. I figured that the best way to talk about vulnerability would be to be vulnerable. The images at the top aren’t that. I took these images to do a lighting test and decided I wanted a sexy rocker kinda look with it. On a side note, I’m in love with this black and white rocker chick look lately. For those of you that only clicked on this because they saw me in my bra in the picture; Welcome, it’s not as sexy a topic as the images imply, but I’m glad you have found yourself here. Also, No, I’m not sharing any images of my best ASSET at the moment. Pun intended.
I used to be a lot more self-conscious about pictures of myself and especially videos of myself. I fall into that category of people that is likely the majority of the population, and I’m not “photogenic”. I don’t even think that is a thing, I think posing yourself is a skill and some skills just click with some people. It didn’t bother me to avoid cameras for the rest of my life. I would have been content with never being captured in an image or recorded on a video. “Is that what my voice sounds like?”, every time. My mother was camera shy and when she left us at a young age, I spent most of my life cherishing the few images of her. I know a little more than most about how valuable a picture becomes to those who love you when you’re not around anymore. It was when I saw my little sister avoiding the camera and being hard on her body, that’s when it felt like a problem. I want to see her glowing in confidence. So I worked on myself to show her how easy it was. Now I still prefer good pictures over bad, but I don’t attach the same story to them anymore. It’s just a picture, my face is just my face and it’s what I have.
The funny thing is, I don’t really feel that different. I don’t look at myself in the mirror and think “YES!”, I just don’t think “Ew” as much. It’s like there was a focus stick that got heavier the more I focused on not liking myself or how I looked or sounded and I just sat the stick down. I don’t feel weighed down as much and it honestly seems less interesting of a topic now. I simply focus on other more exciting things. I still feel the occasional frustration over expectations, but they are quick and don’t bring me down. That doesn’t mean I’m free from self-doubt.
I freeze when I should react, especially when defending myself or standing up for myself. The exception would be in emergencies. There have been several times that I’ve been in an emergency and everyone is looking at each other in shock, where I can step into action to do what needs to be done. I’ve noticed a pattern with this. I tend to have no problem reacting when it’s other people involved, it’s when I’m the only one being affected is where I freeze. There have been times in my life when I hated this about myself, I was ashamed of it. When I heard about fear responses being “fight or flight”, but I hadn’t heard of freezing, that sounded like only something a coward would do. What I’ve learned about that fear response is that it’s the reaction of a person who has valued herself second to almost anyone else around her. That is an interesting thought that we probably don’t think about very often. My mind was running through the list of even minor discomfort that anyone around might have over me reacting to something that I wished I would have stood up for myself.
I still panic occasionally, but I don’t have the self-hate and the shame over it that I use to. I’m being more compassionate with that girl who thought it was probably her fault anyway and didn’t want to upset anyone. Speaking up for myself is still a struggle sometimes, but I’m lucky enough to have a husband who challenges me to communicate more and then can listen. Having people in your life that support you as you are while cheering you on to be your best, is really the best thing in the world.
Being vulnerable happens when you have a fear that you share even though the person you're sharing it with could use it against you. That’s the best way I can put it from my understanding. I think there is a lot of power in vulnerability because I believe that people are mostly good. I think most people want to be supportive of others. I think being vulnerable shows humanity at its best. I’m not trying to tell you “you're doing vulnerability wrong”, I’m just sharing my thoughts about it and I would love to hear your thoughts about it. I want to have all the hard conversations. I find it freeing and it’s exciting when you can discover you aren’t alone, that other people empathize with you.
I’m a big fan of Brene Brown. If you're interested in more on this topic, I highly recommend her. She’s relatable, but I think it’s always nice to hear what the science says. I’d love to hear what you think. Let’s keep the discussion going.
Comment below and tell me what makes you feel vulnerable.
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